Am I big Enough?: Tips for Gay Men on Dealing with Penis Envy

One of the most common issues that I deal with when working with gay and MSM clients in sex therapy is penis envy. Penis envy is a complex emotion that can affect individuals across many walks of life, including gay men. Rooted in societal pressures, insecurities, and often worsened by media portrayals of masculinity and porn, it can often lead to negative self-perception and an unsatisfying sex life. Here are some tips to help you navigate and manage penis envy in a healthy, affirming way.

1. Befriend your penis and your body

• Because of the shame and silence around sex, many of us have learned to be ashamed of our bodies or to not fully understand the sexual side of our physiology. Become familiar with your body and penis, and take time to fully explore and discover your erogenous zones, your turn ons, and your turn offs. Masturbation can be more than a quickie, take your time, listen to your body, and get turned on

• Understand that if you do not understand your body, you can end up being harmed when you engage sexually with others. For example, for my uncut men if you do not speak out about how to handle your foreskin, a cut partner might grip or stroke too hard which can cause pain!

• Recognize that every body develops through complex and mysterious factors that we do not understand. We don’t have a good conclusive answer as to why penile variation exists

• Take time to talk openly and frankly with trusted people, sexual partners, significant others, or experts about your penis and body. You’ll probably discover everyone has a different take, outlook, or opinion that are not always shaming. Some people like smaller penises because bottoming might be less uncomfortable. Some people do not like penetrative sex at all. The more you know about others, the more you can challenge unhelpful and shaming media and porn messages.

2. Challenge Unhelpful Comparisons; Become a porn connoisseur 

• Understand that sex sells, so it’s in the interest of media and porn studios to display the hottest and most arousing people possible

• Become a porn connoisseur, and mindfully watch porn. You can usually see the edits and cuts where studios splice videos and scenes together to give false impressions

• Watch the BTS content, some studios release behind the scenes videos. Watching them can help you see that the final cut is not reality. 

• Remember that what you see in media or even real life doesn’t define your worth.

3. Explore the Root of Your Feelings and Internalized Stories

• Penis envy often stems from deeper feelings of inadequacy or a fear of not being desirable. Often these can come from moments of intolerance and homophobia. For example, for folks who come from religious backgrounds, they may have been told that they were unloveable due to their homosexuality, and that the only way to redeem oneself would be to perform prayers, rituals, and/or commit to celibacy. Thus, when this story of conditional acceptance plays out as “if only I had a penis that was… then I’ll be worthy of love”. Exploring these feelings with a therapist or through introspection can uncover underlying insecurities and help you process them in a constructive way.

• Seek out a counselor experienced in LGBTQ+ issues for a safe space to talk about the negative impacts of shame and silence around sexuality.

• Journaling about your thoughts and emotions can also provide clarity.

5. Engage with Supportive Communities

• Surrounding yourself with supportive and understanding friends or groups can create a sense of belonging. Hearing others share their experiences can also provide comfort and insight.

• Foster friendships that celebrate diversity and authenticity, and ones that talk about sex openly and honestly. While hypersexuality in the gay community can get a bad reputation, talking openly and authentically about sexuality can be useful in helping one challenge and replace negative and unhelpful stories about penis size. Think about how helpful hearing a story from a friend about a successful and pleasurable sexual encounter with someone with a micropenis could be, or maybe even a conversation about how a sexual partner with a less girthy penis with the right curve sent a friend into sexual ecstasy.

6. Redefine Masculinity and Sexuality

• Societal ideas of masculinity and sexual prowess often emphasize physical traits. Challenge these norms by embracing a broader, more inclusive view of what it means to be masculine and desirable. Focus on qualities like kindness, humor, and emotional depth.

• Read books or watch documentaries that explore diverse representations of masculinity.

• Remind yourself that true connection and intimacy go far beyond physical attributes.

7. Practice Compassion Toward Yourself

• It’s okay to have insecurities—it’s a part of being human. Practice self-compassion by acknowledging your feelings without judgment. Give yourself the grace to grow and heal. You are human and there’s no right or wrong way to be human. 

• Use affirmations to counteract negative thoughts (e.g., “I am enough as I am”).

• Treat yourself with the same kindness you would offer a friend experiencing similar emotions.

• Understand that you can engage in sex and with your penis in a multitude of different ways that can be shared and experienced with others and your self. Sexual pleasure is a part of life, but not everyone accesses it the same way. We all have to communicate and share with others how we want to play with them.

Penis envy is an uncomfortable and frightening emotional state, but it can be managed when approached with patience, self-compassion, and self-love. By fostering a positive self-image, challenging harmful comparisons, and seeking support when needed, you can build confidence and celebrate your unique self. Remember, you are more than any one physical characteristic—you are a whole, valuable, and extraordinary person. As Brene Brown wrote, “You are imperfect, you are wired to struggle, and you are worthy of love and belonging”.

If you’re looking for a sex therapist who understands penis envy and looking to dive deeper into the roots of your insecurities and fears, reach out to me today at and let’s get started!